


lost so much more than my senses

by pac



Series: never be the same [3]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 10:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13809072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pac/pseuds/pac
Summary: Uh, finally. Have this equivalent-of-bad-patchwork ending to the series. I forced myself to finish writing another project before I let myself even start this so that's why it took so long.To keep things consistent, I found the title from Consequences by Camila Cabello.





	lost so much more than my senses

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, finally. Have this equivalent-of-bad-patchwork ending to the series. I forced myself to finish writing another project before I let myself even start this so that's why it took so long. 
> 
> To keep things consistent, I found the title from Consequences by Camila Cabello.

Josh paces his living room for about the zillionth time in a row. It doesn’t help, but it’s a lot better than sitting down and forcing his knees not to bounce up and down. He’s beginning to feel like a mouse in a maze, but it’s a more bitter pill to swallow knowing the maze is of his own creation. 

 

He hasn’t been able to formulate so much as a single text message to William in the three days since the Bar Incident. This morning at practice Willy was out of the room before anyone else, before Josh even had half his gear off, like he could tell Josh wanted to strike up a conversation and he’d rather do anything else. That much was expected so it didn’t sting... (okay, it still stung). 

 

The morning after the Bar Incident he wrote, backspaced, and re-wrote a ‘good morning, hope you’re okay’ text or some variation at least fifty times. When he couldn’t send any of those, and William didn’t text him either, it started to feel like he was too late. He almost fooled himself into thinking it was fine and he didn’t need to really address it… then Willy didn’t join the usual group to come over to Josh’s and play some Mario Kart, made Kappy lie and say he was sick, and the sinking feeling hasn’t left Josh’s stomach since. 

 

It’s largely counterproductive for him to replay the events at the bar to see where he went wrong; he just ends up hard at the memory of Willy up against him, coming undone right there in a washroom stall. Getting off to the memory makes him feel guilty even in the middle of jerking off, because he obviously did something wrong, but he can’t really help it. 

 

So, he obsesses over it. He thinks it might even be funny if he weren’t so broken up about it; he’s been obsessing over Willy for so long it’s almost like he’s a natural at it. That, too, makes him feel a little guilty- he can’t be sure the reason Willy ran away isn’t because he finally saw how hopeless Josh is over him and just didn’t want to deal with it. 

 

He knows it’s useless trying to figure it out this way and that if he never scrounges up the guts to actually confront William he won’t get anywhere… 

 

Josh paces his living room for lap number one-zillion-and-one. 

 

~

 

If he were smart, or maybe just a stronger person, he’d let it go. He’d make himself forget all about his ginormous crush and try to keep being William’s friend like nothing ever happened. He’s either stupid or weak, or both, because even the thought makes something sensitive clench in his chest like it’s physically warning him not to. 

 

One night he feels a flash of anger while he’s an 8-pack into feeling sorry for himself. He’s thinking about why William would do all that in the first place just to run away like he did. Was it a joke, did someone bet him he could get into Josh’s pants or something like that? He doesn’t feel justified to commit to any of those, but most of the options make his jaw clench and the beer go down faster. 

 

Maybe he was just used. William wanted him for whatever he got out of sucking dick and the moment he realized Josh wanted more he wanted out. It seems like the most likely option… the anger still doesn’t last.  _ You’re lucky he wanted you for anything, idiot, _ a sober-sounding voice in the back of his head reminds him.  

 

~

 

A week later he ends up asking Kasperi about William. 

 

It’s just that- Willy still hasn’t met his eye, not once at practices or games and not at the one dinner he agrees to go to with the team. He looks worse for wear each day, but Josh might also be projecting.

 

“Hey,” he says as he catches Kappy’s arm in the locker room, “Is Willy doin’ alright?” 

 

He tries to keep all of his nerves out of his expression, trying to assure himself that Kasperi won’t know why he’s asking. He is one of William’s best friends, though, so the idea that he may even know what Josh did wrong and want to haul a punch at him lingers. Josh really, really hopes it isn’t that bad. 

 

“Uh,” Kappy chews his bottom lip for a second before answering, like he’s wondering if he even should, and Josh raises his eyebrows in anticipation, “He’s been better… Maybe you should talk to him yourself.” 

 

Then he’s walking away, leaving Josh behind, surely looking stupid with his mouth agape. Because  _ seriously, what is that supposed to mean?!  _

 

He takes the hint, though, and gets out of the locker room before Willy does after practice. He’s sure he’s left the building with his hair looking stupider, so he doesn’t fret much over his rushed appearance. Josh waits in parking by Willy’s car, trying not to fiddle too much with his keys and keeping an eye out for the entrance. 

 

William’s basically the last out, clearly thinking Josh would be long gone over thirty minutes after leaving the room. It had been a struggle not to talk himself out of it, he’ll admit that, but he’s a hundred percent sure he’s near insanity and dragging this out wouldn’t do him any good. And if Willy’s ‘been better’... well, Josh can’t just accept that, not with the dark circles under William’s eyes. 

“Hey,” he speaks up just before Willy gets to his spot, his head down and eyes on his phone. William startles, looking up for the first time since he stepped in the parking garage. 

 

He looks caught, wide-eyed and silent, even after Josh waits a good twenty seconds before continuing. “-I just wanted to see if you’re alright, we haven’t really spoken-”

 

“Yeah, I’m good, everything’s fine,” William rushes out, nodding his head and bouncing long hair over his forehead, casting his eyes down to his phone, “Just busy, yeah…” 

 

Josh feels like all the air’s been punched out of his chest at seeing the rejection-filled body language. The brush off hurts more than he thought possible and he suddenly hates Kappy for pushing him right into this.

 

“Right,” Josh nods once, shoving his hands in his pockets. He had more to say, even if he didn’t have the words for it all, but Willy’s still not looking up at him and Josh needs out of there so badly, “Good- I’ll see you around then.”

 

He doesn’t wait for Willy to reply, because it wouldn’t be anything he’d want to hear anyway. When Josh gets into his car, he waits until William’s is out of sight to whale away at his steering wheel with a fist a couple times, just hard enough to make his hand throb.

 

~ 

 

The worst part is that Josh still doesn’t know what he did wrong. 

 

Nothing pieces together right, he can’t find any sense in the series of events that led them to this point. 

 

No- not  _ them _ , just him. He’s the one festering at home, unable to let go of the determined avoidance William keeps up. He just wishes he could figure out what went wrong.

 

~ 

 

Josh feels pathetic when his chest aches every time he hears William’s laugh across the ice, in the locker room. When he catches sight of that smile he can’t help but let his eyes linger, like he’s still allowed that simple pleasure. 

 

It feels like rot eating away at his insides when Willy meets his eye, only to let his entire expression falter a moment (sometimes two or three) later and school it straight to ice. The rot spreads and Josh doesn’t know if he can stop it, or if it’d be better to let himself wither away rather than go on knowing he’ll never get to be the one William smiles at. 

 

He practices hard and watches his team play without him a lot. It’s too much time to think; practicing twice as long and staying at the gym an hour longer than he usually would doesn’t help. 

He’s running out of room in his chest cavity to store all this palpable desperation. 

 

~ 

 

He doesn’t see the trade request rumors until he gets the text from William. 

 

His heart nearly stops when he checks his phone, just after getting home from his run. There are three from him, and his name in Josh’s notifications is so foreign now. He could be getting texts about the world ending and he wouldn’t care in face of the hope and longing that lights up just seeing Willy’s name, their long-silent chat thread bolded at the top.

 

The texts go as such: 

 

_ Is it because of me?  _

 

_ I don’t want you to get yourself traded. _

 

_ Please, tell them you take it back!  _

 

Just as he finishes reading them, when he’s sufficiently confused, a Sportsnet notification banner pops down from the top of the screen. 

 

‘ _ Maple Leafs forward Josh Leivo has asked for a trade _ ’

 

He doesn’t have time to think any of it through and there’s a frantic knocking on his door. He’s just five feet away from it so he almost jumps out of his skin, and strides over to open it and make the rapping of knuckles stop. 

 

Surprising him even more is William pushing through the doorway while he starts rambling a mile a minute, “I’m so sorry, I never meant for all this to go wrong. I didn’t want to make you fucking leave Toronto, Josh. Please, believe me, you don’t have to leave to get away from me-”

 

“Willy, stop!” Josh demands once he’s shut the door and swung around to take in the mess that is William right now. He’s pacing the few feets width of Josh’s entryway, face red with a scrunched up, pained expression. 

 

“Sorry,” William squeaks back, wincing and looking down to the linoleum between them.

 

“I didn’t ask for a trade,” he clears up first, trying for soft and reassuring rather than confused. He’s definitely missing something. 

 

“Really?” William lifts his head, eyes wide and he must see the honesty in Josh’s face because next there’s a huge exhale that sounds like pure relief.

“Really,” Josh’s mind reels, trying to catch up as he fills the silence, “And-and if anything I would never request a trade- even if I wanted out of Toronto- just so I could stay near you so I don’t understand what you’re even talking about.”

 

His face is heating up, and Willy’s blushing too so for a second he thinks maybe he crossed a line there- but then a tiny grin lifts Willy’s features and he again squeaks out, “Really?” 

 

“Yeah,” Josh nods, feeling and sounding a little breathless. He takes a step forward and stops himself there, because the last thing he wants to do is scare Willy away now that he’s finally got even a second of his time. “I don’t- I don’t even know what went wrong, Willy, I just miss you…” 

 

Something softens in William’s face just before he ducks his head, looks down at his shoes. Josh waits, hoping to whatever God there may be that he’ll say something. 

 

He does, after a shaky inhale, “I handled things pretty badly, didn’t I…” 

 

Josh wants to agree with that, but he keeps his mouth shut because he doesn’t even know what ‘things’ includes at this point. 

 

“I just didn’t know how to tell you that I wanted more than just to suck your dick, and then in the bar that night, I could hardly control myself and I just knew if I stayed I’d say a whole fuckton of embarrassing things… after that I thought maybe things could go back to normal if I never had to tell you how I felt and we forgot about it all- but I miss you too,” William finishes with a forlorn huff. He’s still not looking at Josh, which is okay but unfavorable because William really should witness the amount of hope he just inspired in him, which Josh is sure is all over his face. 

 

“So what I’m hearing is that you don’t hate me because I like you way more than I have any right to…” Josh starts slowly, and that does get Willy to look up and Josh takes another step towards him, “And you haven’t been avoiding me because I somehow fucked up at the bar and you never want to talk to me again… which is a relief…”

 

Willy’s staring wide-eyed up at him now, with Josh just one step away, and he nods quickly. 

 

“It’s definitely not because I never want to talk to you again…” he confirms, head still nodding. It slows to a stop when Josh lifts a hand to cup his cheek and takes the last step to close the distance between them. 

 

“Thank fuck,” Josh confesses, finally letting a smile spread across his face. 

 

When Willy returns it and drifts forward into him like he can’t help it, Josh leans the inch or two down to press his lips to William’s. Willy lets out a soft noise, something Josh wants burned into his brain, just seconds before melting into the kiss. Their lips fit just as well as they had that night at the bar, even with gentleness replacing the heat and urgency.

 

Something clicks back together in Josh’s chest when Willy brings his arms around him and fists his hands in the back of Josh’s shirt, pulling himself as close as he can against him. 

 

Even with a month plus long streak of being sat and the Toronto media surely gossiping about why or why not his rumoured trade request should be fulfilled, he probably couldn’t be happier than he is in his moment. 


End file.
